you know what i dont like, although i do understand it, i just wish it would stop happening to me as often as it seems to be happening.. is when people get shit from there work, and u just happen to be talking to them right at that point in time, then they feel the need to then have a go at you, when really ur just an innocent by stander in all of this who just happens to have extremely bad timing. stupid people, and getting snappy at me and making my day worse, or night. its like the yawn, u see it, hear it or read it and you yawn.. ill give you the ripple affect alright.. this is how it goes.. you get snappy and yell at me, im gonna yell back even louder and piss u off more, then im going to go out and have me a great time while uve still got the shits. see how that works.. great cause i aint explaining it again.

12 months later

So its almost been 12 months since bubba was born. As expected there have been lots of ups and downs that have come with that, but most of all, lots of smiles from my gorgeous boy. I really could not have hoped for a better kid. He is almost always happy and smiling. He has really grown into his personality of late, although a very cheeky one at that. He still has blue eyes and blonde hair, slightly curly. Absolutely adorable. He's not quite walking by himself just yet, but he seems quite content wizzing around using furniture or holding onto my fingers.

Me in the last 12 months. hmmm.. Lots and lots of ups and downs, but to be honest, bubba has helped me through all of them. I can be as stressed and upset as anything, then is ee him smile and i cant help but smile and appreciate what i do have right in front of me. They say that you dont know what unconditional love is until you have a child, and to be honest, i completely agree with them. The smile that you get in the morning when you get him from the cot or when he's playing with a toy and he looks over at me and gives me a cheeky but proud grin, i cant help but feel grateful, happy and content. As much as i still sometimes wish that i still lived a childless life, there is no way that i would change it for the world. He has changed me for the better, what more could i ask for.

This weekend will be his 1st bday party and his christening. Bubba Challum, i do hope that you enjoy your day entirely. It is for you. I know that you wont remember it in the future, but there are many, many more bdays to come for you to enjoy just as much.

As of his last check up, he is weighing approximately 9 and a half kilos and his is 94cm long. He has 4 top teeth and 2 bottom teeth so far. He is still lilly white. lol. But he is my precious boy.

Oh. He had also at some point learnt to undo his nappy. So too my suprise one day after lunch when i went to go in and get him from his afternoon nap to see him playing with is poo.. Hmm what a family trait to have chosen bubba. lol. Luckily for me, he hadnt painted the cot with it, just hes sheet. What a clever boy i have.

hmmmmmmmmm

well its been a little since i last posted anything so i thought i would actually get off my ass and do it. though today im not to sure what i want to write about. to be honest i have been feeling rather frustrated of recent. not sure whether it is due to me or the guy i had been seeing either way i havent been myself. i noticed that once i started seeing him i had become very aggressive when i was around him. i really didnt like the person i was becoming. shortly after i just didnt like being with him. i waited it out and even talked to him about it.. ofcourse it all came back to being my fault right.. gotta love guys and how its always the chicks fault. but in the end i just broke it off with him. which in return ment a list of abusive messages.. seriously how is that helping me change my mind in anyway about the relationship has got me fucked.. but anyways.. i still havent gotten out of the rut just yet. am still feeling rather down about things at the moment. shit happens i guess. ill pick back up again soon for sure. all in due time. other then that, bubba challum will be turning 1 in just over 2 months. i cannot believe how quick time passes us by. Lots of planning to do that is for sure, plus i have to organise his christening. It never ends. lol. although im not really expecting many people to come, seeing as they never really give a shit about me, but i still end up being there for them. gotta love the way things work huh.. or maybe im just stupid enough to keep doing it. what an idiot i must be. but i still hope that the day goes really great for bubba. he deserves to be happy, although im pretty sure he wont understand whats going on. ha ha ha.. well thats it for me today. hopefully the next blog i write will be a little more uplifting.

My poems

I thought seeing as ive been rather lazy of late in blogging that i would atleast put something up here for you guys to read. So ive after a bit of thought i decided to let you guys read my poetry. Its not the best i must warn you, but they are my thoughts and emotions. I hope you enjoy.

16/03/2009

Happiness is near..

Through thick and thin, we rise so tall;

And through it all, we never fall

Our hopes and dreams may one day crash;

But to you from me, ill be there in a flash

Our lives have changed from what we once were;

But be that may, we are the battler

For ever and ever is always so strange;

But for you and me, there is always change

Our lives, loss and happiness will be set free;

Forever with you and for you unto me

With unfortunate gifts from far beyond;

But we grow and grow; we are as strong as our bond

Despite what may happen to me and you;

Hold it close to your heart, hold it close with value

As these hills we climb, grow larger and larger;

We think to ourselves, is there really an ever after

But in the midst of our fortune and fame;

There grows a trust for only you and me to claim

So hold on tight as we both draw closer to fear;

And we shall know that our happiness is but near.

10/09/2009

Your will be done…

We used to be happy

We used to smile

We used to jump around

And run down the aisles

But now you see

You have changed from me

What was used to be

When we were free

We have lost our way

Chosen the wrong path

Both struggle and sway

Lost in the worlds wrath

I struggle to see

How both you and me

Can throw our love

As we push and shove

What we once were

Is no longer here

You have become the enabler

As it so appears

Please be gone

I need to be strong

I need my happiness

Not to be heartless

I need to grow

Follow my heart

Not see your shadow

Just let me part

Your strength is too much

I cant get to the door

Your soft to the touch

I crumble to the floor

There I lay

Lifeless and still

Broken like clay

This is your will

17/09/2009

Abortion

Snuggled in all nice and warm

Its sleeping peacefully

But im still torn

But what will it be

Is what I ask myself

Do I embark on this journey

Im scared, do I run

Do I stand my ground

The stress weighs like a tone

I toss, I turn

Many sleepless nights

The choice is mine, but still I yearn

I cant do it

Im not ready

They tell me to sit

Take a breath they say

This wont hurt a bit

Today is the day

Its so lifeless and still

I wondered what it would be

As my heart starts to spill

Im sorry my sweet

I didn’t know what to do

And now you will never be complete

23/11/2009

My Fight, My Light

So far away, my feet stand on solid ground
Staring back at you, I think I've been found
A glimpse of hope fluttered through my heart
A smile on your face, we will never part

Your voice as calming as the clear night sky
Wipping the tears from my eyes asking me not to cry
You pulling me closer felling your breath on my neck
Comforting me I am no longer a wreck

Your brush your hand gently past my cheek
Deep down inside I start to feel so weak
Only with you can I be true to myself
No longer can I hide what's inside on the shelf

The hope you have brought, the forgiveness you have shown
The love you have given me, to all it will be known
You are the one who saved me from my own self fight
I will hold on to you forever, you are my light

you know what.. im really starting to hate the male race.. ever since being pregnant all ive heard is "oh your pregnant" then woof there gone.. the sad thing is after having bubs.. things got even worse.. i think i have heard every lie and every excuse there is not to date a chick. I honestly never thought that people were so shallow and superficial, but have come to learn that they are. Yeah everyone knows that ive put on weight. is what happens when when your blood pressure goes for a loop during your pregnancy and your not only swollen and have tree trunks for legs, but you feel bigger then a whale.. and then people think they have the right to tell you 6 months after having a baby that your fat.. seriously.. where the fuck do you get off telling me that im fat.. have you looked in the mirror lately.. your no cup of tea other fuck head.. like my confidence already wasnt at a low being the weight that im already at. and still not getting used to it. And i am seeing a personal trainer and working out and trying to watch what i eat as much as i can. But are you a single parent trying to raise a kid on your own??? no.. well step the fuck back and dont try and lecture me on my weight until your in my situation.. and yeah id love to be skinny, but im not a celebrity that can afford to hire a nanny so that i can sit there and have a trainer come to my house and a plastic surgeon on call to do an immediate lipo suction on me.. im in the real world you dicks, where real people gain weight and arent the size of twig. And i didnt choose to gain weight, and i ate healthy all throughout my pregnancy so dont lecture me on what i should be eating either.. how bout you go back to your fantasy land where everyones a super model and leave me the fuck alone.. atleast there your opinions are wanted..

well what can i say.. it has been six months now since bubba challum was born, and a lil over a year since i moved back from sydney. What have i learnt.. lets see..

child birth hurts.. if they say it didnt then they lied.. the epidural works wonders though and you get to sleep like a baby while still in labor.. oh the joys of modern medicine..

Being a single mum is really as hard as it looks. your always left with no money, you have no time to yourself. but the best thing about it is that you get to experience everything that your child goes through as you are always with them.

Now being a single parent rains havock on your social life and even your dating life.. well its more of the fact that you no longer have either one of those.. i have noticed that since the time i announced i was pregnant to now, i have lost many friends along the way. Now if only they realised that just because i have a child now does not mean i have changed in any way. it just means that i dont have alot of time to spare.. but in a way it is a good thing aswell, because then you realise the people that are worth giving your little spare time to.

ive recently just come back from a very fortunate and needed childless holiday. Although i missed bubba so much, it was good to be able to just sit there and do nothing. Enjoy being able to go out to restaurants with friends with out having to pack the nappy bag first. but as soon as i got back i didnt want to put him down to bed. i just wanted to hold him all night.. which would not have been the greatest idea as i was sick and feeling rather week when i returned.. so he slept safely in his cot and was pampered the next day instead.

Now the one thing that im really not enjoying after having bubba is the baby weight i had put on just seems to keep growing despite the fact that im exercising and watching what i eat.. seriously, i dont want to be any fatter.. in fact i want to lose all this weight that ive gained.. dam it..

Bubba challum is now 6 months old. He now has his 2 bottom teeth and is sitting up. he has learned to balance on his hands and knees and hopefully by christmas he will be crawling.

As for me.. I am still single, still at home and still broke. But i am lucky to have a happy baby who has the most gorgeous blue eyes and a smile that lights up everyones face. You are my world bubba and i hope that one day we both can find someone to share that with.

who knows

well not alot has really been happening in my life these days.. i did start seeing someone though after a month he called it quits.. though im not sure whether to actually take that personally or not.. my bday was decent.. i didnt really want to do anything special or over the top.. was only my 25th so meh.. just had dinner with some people that im close to and it was nice catching up with people, especially seeing as i dont get to spend alot of time with.. my sister did a marvelous job in getting bubba into a routine for me.. although he is really sick at the moment. we wont go into too much depth there but winter is definately not his friend.. nor is it mine though really.. i would really like something to go my way for a change though.. all that seems to happen to me lately is a lot of dissapointment. its as if the world doesnt want me happy.. :( hmm maybe i should just take bubba up the hospital just to be sure..

talk about a shit nite..

Well lets see.. where to start.. when back to the boyfriends house today.. help with the cleaning, dishes etc.. settled into watching some tv and helping him with some programs on the computer.. and guess who calls.. thats right.. the psycho ex.. stupid bitch that she is.. now heres a lil bit about her as to why we call her psycho.. while she was with my current bf before we got together obviously.. actually it was a bit before we got together.. she decided that she would drink all day long while he was out working. when he came home she would decide that she wanted to have an argument with him.. now this didnt happen just once or twice, but more. She has cracked it so bad that she has actually hit him and i mean hit as in he was bleeding and she has also thrown a pizza cutter at his car and number of kitchen utensils and pans at him.. hence why she is a psycho bitch.. to top it all off she has 3 kids and this is how she would act around them.. what a stupid parent.. now back to my story for the day.. we were sitting down watching tv, doing the computer thing.. and guess who decides to ring.. correct.. stupid psycho whore.. not only did she ring once.. but she rang 4 times, while drunk.. but the best bit of the entire night would be that she is going to get me bashed.. you heard me correct.. she actually threatened to bash me because he has moved on with his life and has started dating me.. when she was the one that cheated on him, so he kicked her out and withing a day had moved into the place with the guy that she was cheating on him with. now not only am i pissed off because she ruined my nite but the fact that she threatened to bash me had really set it all off.. now seeing as i have more brains then her, well ill just let her try and find me.. that might be a lil hard now wont it.. im not that stupid.. but she has to remember one thing.. she has warrants out on her and im not affraid to call the cops if she rocks up here.. Bye bye off you go to jail.. bitch..

as the day goes on...

now.. i have come to realise that my blog is written with complete and utter shit.. but thats how i roll and i aint going to change that.. so in the true style of missy and talking shit.. im just going to continue that.. so here i go..

my life today consisted in lack of sleep.. finally took my ass to bed at around 2:30am.. and then woke up at some where around 8.. i honestly cant remember.. all i know is that it was too early and that i should still be in bed.. yes even now i think i should still be in bed..

so to continue.. i cant get the bluetooth adapter which i just bought to enable my home pc to be bluetooth compatable.. aparently again, my mind thought it was just to early in the morning to actually figure stuff out.. so the adapter is still plugged into the computer.. well it will be until mum needs to use the computer and realises that i unplugged her usb drive.. bad missy..

once i gave up on that.. i realised that i was running late my a docs appointment.. so i dragged my ass into my room and changed and was on my way.. im really starting not to like docs as i am sick of having tests done.. like i didnt have enough blood taken during my pregnancy.. but apparently not.. hmm.. the life of missy.. how so not exciting..

so here i am now sitting at my sisters house.. with the high tech babysitter LG.. LG now babysitts people of all ages.. ranging from birth to senior citizens..

so thats been my day so far.. yay for me..

oh.. i also stole some of my sisters chocolate.. and am tempted to steal some of chloe's chips too.. yummy corn chips.. oh wait where are they.. im off to find the corn chips..

its all fun and games until someone gets hurt..

Well where do i start here.. I like someone.. but.. isnt that how they always start.. anyways.. im really not getting the whole dating thing these days.. the fact that you see each other.. your intimate with each other.. but your not actually dating.. its getting rather confusing.. whats the point in doing those things with a person if you dont really like them that way.. why waste my time in playing games with me, if all your going to do is keep me hanging around until you find someone better.. someone you want to be with.. that is not what im about.. Since when did things become so difficult in the dating world?? since when was it normal to be seeing someone, but not actually dating.. why is it that relationships now come at a price.. Since when did the whole dating thing change.. Dont get me wrong i understand the whole working class thing, when you work to much and want to be intimate but "dont have enough time to date".. but in all fairness.. if you found enough time to hang out with me, talk and laugh with me, go places with me.. then im sorry.. your just full of shit.. because you do have enough time to "DATE".. why is it so hard these days to actually have an emotional relationship and not just a physical one?? tell me that please.. and why is it i always seem to find the guys that only want a physical relationship.. do i have "Use Me" printed across me somewhere that i cant see.. because every guy that i have met in the past 2-3 years have all said the whole "i dont want to date right now".. Or maybe its just me.. maybe i dont come across as the dating type.. in that case then, tell me what the dating type is so i can figure out what im doing wrong.. because in all honesty.. this is just bullshit..

hey every one.. this is my gorgeous son challum gray.. he has been a delight and my everything since he came into this world.. although the labor wasnt my ideal labor.. he still came out healthy and well not so gorgeous at first.. lol... but here he is now.. my lil man..

being a mum..

Well if it wasnt enough to be scared most of the way through the pregnancy.. the realisation that i was going to be a mum still hadnt yet kicked in until after baby challum was born.. He came into this world on 31 march 2009.. and he was 6 pounds 3 ounces.. i am happy to say that he is now 10 weeks old.. although currently sick.. but other then that he is a healthy and happy baby who is very spoilt.. although his father is not in the picture, i believe that he will still be a normal well balanced kid, who will probably suffer from only child syndrome... lol.. Myself am still suffering from the effects of labour and birth.. i currently have an inflamed lower back, my hips are twisted and even my shoulders are out of place.. ha ha ha.. but all in due time they will be back to normal with a bit of tweaking from my chiro.. On the home front.. i am living with mum again/still.. am dreaming of moving back to townsville.. currently work for myself.. oh the joys of life.. am happy to have a sister like mine who will graciously take challum (aka cj, bubs, bubba) for me to give me a rest.. i have recently just come back from townsville from a 2 week holiday/introducing bubs to the family.. is probably why im missing it so much.. that and the warm weather.. im not much of a winter person.. cold and wet just doesnt float my boat.. since being back here i have met some great people and cherish there friendship.. not to mention catching up with old friends from the past.. I still how ever suffer from depression.. but am happy to say that i am back on my anti-depressents which work wonders on the best of days.. these days i am dreaming about finding a nice, sincere guy and settling down.. but like i said.. i dream.. ha ha ha..

since being a mum though, i have learnt that the love you have for your child is unconditional.. there is definately no other feeling like it.. he makes me smile constantly and lights up my face when he smiles at me. I hope that i can provide him with his needs and wants through out his life..

OMG.. now this is just wierd

Well i'd first like to say welcome all who really feel the need to read this.. but HI and thankyou for taking the time to read all that seems to be on my mind.. which 99% of the time is just shit.. but you get that right..

now for all who dont know me.. Im Melissa.. I was born in Townsville, QLD. Have moved around most of my life. Have met some great people (BRAD's my Hommie G) ha ha ha.. but have also met some retards and jerks.. All in all i like most people.. YAY.. I am currently living in Adelaide, SA. Though soon hope to move to sydney to be with my Boo.. (Donny, love you).. And for all you at there.. I am recently engaged.. Say congrats to Don for me.. But for all of you who actually know me.. your prolly just as shocked as i am about this.. I never thought that i would actually be getting married.. Lol.. but surprises do happen.. (and just to get things straight.. i proposed to him and he obviously said yes..) I am the luckiest chicka in the world to have a guy like Don. He treats me really good.. he makes me laugh, he respects me, he is honestly my everything.. ok i know im being soppy now.. lol