you know what i dont like, although i do understand it, i just wish it would stop happening to me as often as it seems to be happening.. is when people get shit from there work, and u just happen to be talking to them right at that point in time, then they feel the need to then have a go at you, when really ur just an innocent by stander in all of this who just happens to have extremely bad timing. stupid people, and getting snappy at me and making my day worse, or night. its like the yawn, u see it, hear it or read it and you yawn.. ill give you the ripple affect alright.. this is how it goes.. you get snappy and yell at me, im gonna yell back even louder and piss u off more, then im going to go out and have me a great time while uve still got the shits. see how that works.. great cause i aint explaining it again.

12 months later

So its almost been 12 months since bubba was born. As expected there have been lots of ups and downs that have come with that, but most of all, lots of smiles from my gorgeous boy. I really could not have hoped for a better kid. He is almost always happy and smiling. He has really grown into his personality of late, although a very cheeky one at that. He still has blue eyes and blonde hair, slightly curly. Absolutely adorable. He's not quite walking by himself just yet, but he seems quite content wizzing around using furniture or holding onto my fingers.

Me in the last 12 months. hmmm.. Lots and lots of ups and downs, but to be honest, bubba has helped me through all of them. I can be as stressed and upset as anything, then is ee him smile and i cant help but smile and appreciate what i do have right in front of me. They say that you dont know what unconditional love is until you have a child, and to be honest, i completely agree with them. The smile that you get in the morning when you get him from the cot or when he's playing with a toy and he looks over at me and gives me a cheeky but proud grin, i cant help but feel grateful, happy and content. As much as i still sometimes wish that i still lived a childless life, there is no way that i would change it for the world. He has changed me for the better, what more could i ask for.

This weekend will be his 1st bday party and his christening. Bubba Challum, i do hope that you enjoy your day entirely. It is for you. I know that you wont remember it in the future, but there are many, many more bdays to come for you to enjoy just as much.

As of his last check up, he is weighing approximately 9 and a half kilos and his is 94cm long. He has 4 top teeth and 2 bottom teeth so far. He is still lilly white. lol. But he is my precious boy.

Oh. He had also at some point learnt to undo his nappy. So too my suprise one day after lunch when i went to go in and get him from his afternoon nap to see him playing with is poo.. Hmm what a family trait to have chosen bubba. lol. Luckily for me, he hadnt painted the cot with it, just hes sheet. What a clever boy i have.

hmmmmmmmmm

well its been a little since i last posted anything so i thought i would actually get off my ass and do it. though today im not to sure what i want to write about. to be honest i have been feeling rather frustrated of recent. not sure whether it is due to me or the guy i had been seeing either way i havent been myself. i noticed that once i started seeing him i had become very aggressive when i was around him. i really didnt like the person i was becoming. shortly after i just didnt like being with him. i waited it out and even talked to him about it.. ofcourse it all came back to being my fault right.. gotta love guys and how its always the chicks fault. but in the end i just broke it off with him. which in return ment a list of abusive messages.. seriously how is that helping me change my mind in anyway about the relationship has got me fucked.. but anyways.. i still havent gotten out of the rut just yet. am still feeling rather down about things at the moment. shit happens i guess. ill pick back up again soon for sure. all in due time. other then that, bubba challum will be turning 1 in just over 2 months. i cannot believe how quick time passes us by. Lots of planning to do that is for sure, plus i have to organise his christening. It never ends. lol. although im not really expecting many people to come, seeing as they never really give a shit about me, but i still end up being there for them. gotta love the way things work huh.. or maybe im just stupid enough to keep doing it. what an idiot i must be. but i still hope that the day goes really great for bubba. he deserves to be happy, although im pretty sure he wont understand whats going on. ha ha ha.. well thats it for me today. hopefully the next blog i write will be a little more uplifting.

My poems

I thought seeing as ive been rather lazy of late in blogging that i would atleast put something up here for you guys to read. So ive after a bit of thought i decided to let you guys read my poetry. Its not the best i must warn you, but they are my thoughts and emotions. I hope you enjoy.

16/03/2009

Happiness is near..

Through thick and thin, we rise so tall;

And through it all, we never fall

Our hopes and dreams may one day crash;

But to you from me, ill be there in a flash

Our lives have changed from what we once were;

But be that may, we are the battler

For ever and ever is always so strange;

But for you and me, there is always change

Our lives, loss and happiness will be set free;

Forever with you and for you unto me

With unfortunate gifts from far beyond;

But we grow and grow; we are as strong as our bond

Despite what may happen to me and you;

Hold it close to your heart, hold it close with value

As these hills we climb, grow larger and larger;

We think to ourselves, is there really an ever after

But in the midst of our fortune and fame;

There grows a trust for only you and me to claim

So hold on tight as we both draw closer to fear;

And we shall know that our happiness is but near.

10/09/2009

Your will be done…

We used to be happy

We used to smile

We used to jump around

And run down the aisles

But now you see

You have changed from me

What was used to be

When we were free

We have lost our way

Chosen the wrong path

Both struggle and sway

Lost in the worlds wrath

I struggle to see

How both you and me

Can throw our love

As we push and shove

What we once were

Is no longer here

You have become the enabler

As it so appears

Please be gone

I need to be strong

I need my happiness

Not to be heartless

I need to grow

Follow my heart

Not see your shadow

Just let me part

Your strength is too much

I cant get to the door

Your soft to the touch

I crumble to the floor

There I lay

Lifeless and still

Broken like clay

This is your will

17/09/2009

Abortion

Snuggled in all nice and warm

Its sleeping peacefully

But im still torn

But what will it be

Is what I ask myself

Do I embark on this journey

Im scared, do I run

Do I stand my ground

The stress weighs like a tone

I toss, I turn

Many sleepless nights

The choice is mine, but still I yearn

I cant do it

Im not ready

They tell me to sit

Take a breath they say

This wont hurt a bit

Today is the day

Its so lifeless and still

I wondered what it would be

As my heart starts to spill

Im sorry my sweet

I didn’t know what to do

And now you will never be complete

23/11/2009

My Fight, My Light

So far away, my feet stand on solid ground
Staring back at you, I think I've been found
A glimpse of hope fluttered through my heart
A smile on your face, we will never part

Your voice as calming as the clear night sky
Wipping the tears from my eyes asking me not to cry
You pulling me closer felling your breath on my neck
Comforting me I am no longer a wreck

Your brush your hand gently past my cheek
Deep down inside I start to feel so weak
Only with you can I be true to myself
No longer can I hide what's inside on the shelf

The hope you have brought, the forgiveness you have shown
The love you have given me, to all it will be known
You are the one who saved me from my own self fight
I will hold on to you forever, you are my light

you know what.. im really starting to hate the male race.. ever since being pregnant all ive heard is "oh your pregnant" then woof there gone.. the sad thing is after having bubs.. things got even worse.. i think i have heard every lie and every excuse there is not to date a chick. I honestly never thought that people were so shallow and superficial, but have come to learn that they are. Yeah everyone knows that ive put on weight. is what happens when when your blood pressure goes for a loop during your pregnancy and your not only swollen and have tree trunks for legs, but you feel bigger then a whale.. and then people think they have the right to tell you 6 months after having a baby that your fat.. seriously.. where the fuck do you get off telling me that im fat.. have you looked in the mirror lately.. your no cup of tea other fuck head.. like my confidence already wasnt at a low being the weight that im already at. and still not getting used to it. And i am seeing a personal trainer and working out and trying to watch what i eat as much as i can. But are you a single parent trying to raise a kid on your own??? no.. well step the fuck back and dont try and lecture me on my weight until your in my situation.. and yeah id love to be skinny, but im not a celebrity that can afford to hire a nanny so that i can sit there and have a trainer come to my house and a plastic surgeon on call to do an immediate lipo suction on me.. im in the real world you dicks, where real people gain weight and arent the size of twig. And i didnt choose to gain weight, and i ate healthy all throughout my pregnancy so dont lecture me on what i should be eating either.. how bout you go back to your fantasy land where everyones a super model and leave me the fuck alone.. atleast there your opinions are wanted..

well what can i say.. it has been six months now since bubba challum was born, and a lil over a year since i moved back from sydney. What have i learnt.. lets see..

child birth hurts.. if they say it didnt then they lied.. the epidural works wonders though and you get to sleep like a baby while still in labor.. oh the joys of modern medicine..

Being a single mum is really as hard as it looks. your always left with no money, you have no time to yourself. but the best thing about it is that you get to experience everything that your child goes through as you are always with them.

Now being a single parent rains havock on your social life and even your dating life.. well its more of the fact that you no longer have either one of those.. i have noticed that since the time i announced i was pregnant to now, i have lost many friends along the way. Now if only they realised that just because i have a child now does not mean i have changed in any way. it just means that i dont have alot of time to spare.. but in a way it is a good thing aswell, because then you realise the people that are worth giving your little spare time to.

ive recently just come back from a very fortunate and needed childless holiday. Although i missed bubba so much, it was good to be able to just sit there and do nothing. Enjoy being able to go out to restaurants with friends with out having to pack the nappy bag first. but as soon as i got back i didnt want to put him down to bed. i just wanted to hold him all night.. which would not have been the greatest idea as i was sick and feeling rather week when i returned.. so he slept safely in his cot and was pampered the next day instead.

Now the one thing that im really not enjoying after having bubba is the baby weight i had put on just seems to keep growing despite the fact that im exercising and watching what i eat.. seriously, i dont want to be any fatter.. in fact i want to lose all this weight that ive gained.. dam it..

Bubba challum is now 6 months old. He now has his 2 bottom teeth and is sitting up. he has learned to balance on his hands and knees and hopefully by christmas he will be crawling.

As for me.. I am still single, still at home and still broke. But i am lucky to have a happy baby who has the most gorgeous blue eyes and a smile that lights up everyones face. You are my world bubba and i hope that one day we both can find someone to share that with.

who knows

well not alot has really been happening in my life these days.. i did start seeing someone though after a month he called it quits.. though im not sure whether to actually take that personally or not.. my bday was decent.. i didnt really want to do anything special or over the top.. was only my 25th so meh.. just had dinner with some people that im close to and it was nice catching up with people, especially seeing as i dont get to spend alot of time with.. my sister did a marvelous job in getting bubba into a routine for me.. although he is really sick at the moment. we wont go into too much depth there but winter is definately not his friend.. nor is it mine though really.. i would really like something to go my way for a change though.. all that seems to happen to me lately is a lot of dissapointment. its as if the world doesnt want me happy.. :( hmm maybe i should just take bubba up the hospital just to be sure..